Traveling a Bumpy Road of First

I'm Twenty Nine Years Old, and No, My Vag Isn't Dry!

So turning twenty nine has been an amazingly clarifying experience that left my with the greatest ability to give no fuck as I have ever had in my life. A combination of major life changes and growing satisfaction with my life's direction has given me the confidence to push forward on my unconventional path of balancing work life and debauchery, fully embracing my south city lifestyle with some of the best experiences.

I was driving home from work and contemplating how I was going to kick off my totally awesome birth weekstravaganza when it dawned upon me that my boyfriend didn't care about me so I droped that dick the same night. The next morning, I was overwhelmed with endless possibilities and excitement. I was finally free of that asshole and I was looking to get under a new one.I have the habbit of wanting to fuck the best of the worst so it wasn't hard to figure it out. 

The People's Joy Parade was my inevitable destination. I was totes feeling some girl time with one of the most rad babes I know and excitement was high. After grabbing some Stag for my backpack, we headed towards inebriation with hearts filled with joy and determination to have a great fucking time. Beer, whiskey, mojitos, and a Pina Colada in a cored out pineapple later, I was fucking sloshed! That is when I stumbled into a penis I was curious about(dude was a total dick but I like to figure these things out for myself). Drunken hookups ensued for the next couple of weeks and I had to wonder if there was something in the water at that house(second guy I hooked up with in that same house and the dicks ran big). The first indication of the dude's dickatude was during a not so hot sexting session. I am an aweful sexter, but I thought that I should give it a try. In an attempt to be comedic, I texted a photo of my condom drawer(yes, I have a drawer full of fucking ccondoms. I'm no baby's mama!) complete with the lube I had recently purchased. That is when it happened..... I receive a question that made me seriously question who I was chosing to surround myself with. "Is your vag dry?" No, my vag is not fucking dry, but it's no longer wet for you! I stopped giving a fuckand started to hook up with nicer dudes. I love being twenty nine. I wonder what I'll be like at thirty?

Sunday Funday part 2

So the game is over and all was won and lost. The Seahawks were defeated by four points and the last play was not at all understandable. What the fuck happened there? Why would you pass? Oh well, pretty good game  full of amazing athleticism that I haven't seen in a Super Bowl in a while.

The defeat was crushing but the game was well played and so was my Reuben slider extravaganza. The day was total success as far as food, booze, and enjoyement was concerned. I received an awkward Valentine's gift from and old dude at church, listened to some legit gospel  spinning, and fed my friends while watching a hell of a game.

After such a fucked up defeat, I released a conceding statement and rocked on down to the local pub. Atleast I still have Sleater Kinney jamming in my broke ass CD player and a stag waiting for me and my homies!

Sunday Funday

Super Bowl sunday is upon us and I am excited with the possibilities of seeing gladiator like clashes of millionaire titans. Yes sir! This shit is happening once again the same as every year with dollars and bookies scrambling for the last seconds of odds laying and I, fully prepared for the fun to comence later this evening am enjoying a post church chill time and savor every second of the day.

The original shit starting and founding of the Super Bowl was in the mid sixties when the competition between the AFL and NFL came to a head after a series of pay hikes and raiding. They were totes like "lets just merge cuz we are starting to pay folk too much of our sacred scrilla" and other dude was like " kool, but we have to have a competition between us every year to call out top dawg!" Thus the Super Bowl was born.

I love celebrating a hugely barbaric pastime as much as anyone but it mos def wont take over my sunday. There is plenty to do on Super Bowl funday. First, I woke up and slowly cleaned and rearranged shit so peeps can fit around my big ass tv. Next, time for the Lord! I find my peace with this ritual and i suggest anyone find a ritual, secular or religious to bring peace to the day before getting turnt. Next, sunday drinks y'all!  This is chill ass down time spent with friend or alone to gather your sanity and thoughts. Afterwards, more prep, mid winter beach party in a climatron, and last of the cleaning (winning means doing).

So as I sit infront of my coffee and Bourbon  and await the second half of my day and gather my thoughts with you, the last thing that pops into my mind is "Haters gonna hate!" Go Seahawks!

Hashtag Eat Gluten

I once took the opportunity to make some extra scrilla as a banquet server at the hotel I work at so that I could see if I would want to do it on the regular. I never want to again. Fuck that shit.  Here is the deets. It is customary at these banquets to preset the dessert on the table with the salad and servers bring out the hot food.  My partner and I were assigned five tables and had started to work well together bringing out six plates at a time for rounds of eight. So what is the problem? People suck and even worse, their last minute  special request suck. As I served a woman her chicken, she said the words I hate the most, "I would like to have chicken with no gravy, I'm gluten sensitive. " Looking at the fully devoured cake in front of her I wanted to scream at the top of my lungs " Fucking lying asshole! Do you even know what gluten is?" Joining the bandwagon of non-celiac disease  having, Oprah loving, Web MD obsessed, self diagnosing hypochondriacs seems to be the best option  so I'm diagnosing myself as gluten free sensitive. Thats right, my health is affected by both people and things that are declared gluten free.

What the fuck is gluten? Gluten is a protien  found in the kernel of wheat berry. Comprised of two parts, glutenen(in my burly man voice) and gliadin(in my Mary Poppins voice). Think of glutenen as the strong part and gliadin as the flexible part. Together they create structure for your baked good. So why the fuck do I care? Because self proclamations are not a good reason for you to muddle my professional pride with sand disguised as food. Even if you use that fancy new cup4cup shit, the taste is reminiscent of slightly sour bread-like product and there is hardly enough structure to use without a mold.

How do I know gluten isn't your problem?
Because you dont have celiac disease first. I have met a person with actual celiac disease and they knew very well wether foods had gluten or not. They were also not so fucking demanding. They let you know well in advance so that proper accommodations can be easily made.
Also, the same team who claimed to prove gluten sensitivity released a second study saying gluten wasn't the problem at all but rather FODMAPs that occur in a wider range of foods other than wheat (ifl science article).

For the most part, people will look for any trend or crash diet that they think might benefit their health except for not  fucking huge balanced meals and excercise. I can only implore you to lay off the pig troft of shitty gluten free but otherwise unhealthy meals and please for fucking sake...... Eat Gluten!

Like a Swede

So after watching a video produced by tcofilm I have been thinking about how boss it really would be to live like a Swede..... minus the cold and shit. Not only would we get longer and more frequent vacations, we would also benefit from a plethora of social programs and and food culture that  promotes better physical and mental health as a whole and sweet as fashion. I'm talking over-sized outerwear and super fucking chic street style. What is my favorite things about the Swedes you may ask.

Comprehensive healthcare is, in my opinion, the most important component to a healthy society( and most importantly, a healthy vagina). In Sweden, citizen have access to low cost(based on cost of living in the municipality you reside in) comprehensive healthcare.

Dental care is available to every citizen with children up to the age of twenty recieving free care and adults receiving a yearly subsidy

480 days paid parental leave with a bonus for parents who split this time evenly(approx. 6 months to each parent.)

Child allowance paid to parents up to the age of 16 and study allowance paid to full time students over the age of 16.

you can look at other aspects of Swedish social benefits at Work in Sweden.

For a look at amazing locally inspired Swedish food, Check out "Faviken." This in one of my favorite books by Swedish chef Magnus Nilsson and from my absolute favorite  book publisher Phaidon

So instead of being a lame ass dude trying to live like a boss, try getting involved in policy advocacy work so we can all live like a Swede.

Mimosa Sundays

Sundays hold different meanings to all of us and most of us hold it as a sacred day of rest. For me Sundays are a day to remind myself of the things that I enjoy in life, Fucking Mimosas! Brunch with mimosas and a perfect way to spend the afternoon after a night of face down passed out drunk and a morning of kicking some dude ot of your room so you can pass the fuck back out. When ten to eleven o'clock comes around all you want is food and relaxation (in the form of alcoholic beverage because you are really punishing your body for failing you the night before) preferably with friends. As a pastry cook, I rarely have a Sunday off of work. When I do, I like to make it count.

Ritual:

A lot people have a ritual for when they wake up on a day off. First thing I love to take my time dressing to remind myself that I am not just an employee, I am an awesome chick. I would recommend that anyone who wears a uniform of any variety to do the same. Afterwards I hit the town for munchies and shit.

Off to Brunch:

One of my favorite Sunday activities is grabbing or making brunch with my friends. I categorize my brunch haunts by what I am in the mood for.

Vin de Set in midtown has the most legit breakfast sausage that I have ever had the opportunity to taste. I’m talking about the shit your sausage dreams are made of. Just the right amount of heavenly fat, mouth pleasing texture, and taste that can rival that of chocolate and good sex in the best place you can think of with the hottest guy you could dream up (including all the emotional tidbits).  As if the sausage wasn’t enough in the meat department, they also feature Prime Rib and lamb carving stations along with a waffle station and dessert bar just  in case you haven't had the opportunity to check in with god yet to say thank you.. All you can drink Mimosas can be added for a mere $12.00, which is a great value if you have more than one.

One Place I visited recently was Brasserie by Niche. To describe Brasserie as crowded would be a dramatic understatement and don’t expect much in the way of service. Those dicks don't give a fuck. They will straight up ignore the shit out of you. For real, make a reservation. So why is it worth mentioning? The food was amazing and affordable. For $10.00 I experienced succulent ham and perfectly poached eggs blanketed with a smooth and creamy hollandaise all on brioche toast (aka Eggs Benedict). My food experience was so satisfying that my lexicon doesn't do it justice so I will just say bangin. For a cocktail, I opted out of the Mimosa and instead ordered the Violet 75 which is comprised of gin, crème de violette, lemon, and champagne. From the first sip, I was overcome with a winning feeling. From my prospective, the cocktail did its job.

Occasionally, I am called upon in my role as a best friend. My bestie often has touring bands as guest and we like to cook brunch for them together. This seemingly selfless activity actually gives us a chance to bond and talk while working together to make the task more recreational. The last time I had the chance to cook brunch we made Bananas Foster Belgian waffles, locally sourced bacon, and a cayenne Parmesan potato hash. For the Waffles, I would suggest you favorite waffle recipe but if you don’t have one try http://www.thekitchn.com/the-best-waffle-youll-ever-eat-90629. For the Bananas Foster topping, start melting a half stick of butter in your saucepan. Add one cup of brown sugar and let it cook, stirring occasionally, till the mixture is homogeneous. Then add four bananas sliced on a bias about an inch thick and cook for about a minute. Then add a ¼ c alcohol of your choice and cook down for another minute. I prefer using bourbon but other use spiced rum, banana liquor, or a mixture of the two. Potato hash is more versatile and can include much of the ingredients you may have around the house. I small diced and cooked the potatoes in a small amount of cooking oil for a bit first. Then I added onions, red peppers, and a little stock and cooked a bit longer. Next, when the potatoes are almost tender enough to eat, I added kosher salt, pepper, a light covering of shredded Parmesan, and a dusting of cayenne pepper over the top the covered the pan till the Parmesan was melted. For Beverages we served organic orange juice, coffee, and tea on a beverage station. Needless to say, our efforts where much appreciated.

Whether you spend your Sundays eating, drinking, or spending quality time with friends and family, the most important thing to remember is to leave the stress at work and give in to the St. Louis lifestyle. This can be attained in a variety of ways but my favorite by far is Mimosa Sunday.